Values, Virtues, Attributes

On May 6th, 2018, with only a 30% shot of surviving six months, I drew from my core value of resilience and found a path to survive alcohol-induced hepatitis and decompensated alcohol-related cirrhosis…

Once diagnosed with these conditions, I realized that the intimate partner violence (IPV) I fled in 2013 still had me chained, whipping me into submission with every drop of alcohol I drank. This pattern of IPV had haunted me since my first relationship as a teen, continuing with five other men until I was 41 years of age. How I physically escaped was by operationalizing this powerful resilience muscle I had been building since childhood traumas — two major surgeries at 2 and 4 that if not successful I would die, and a mom that left me with my dad at age 6. The surgeries kept me isolated from other children, and my mom who left for complex reasons no young child could understand, caused me to feel abandoned and guilty that I was a sick child. 

Never first, second, or third at anything in my life, my dad taught me to always get back up, and I exerted myself in various sports, drill (dance) team, honor society, and pageants (I was a Texas girl 😁) — bouncing back regardless of how I finished. In 8th grade, I was our school’s mascot — a panther! I got the job because eight cheerleaders were voted in by our school, and I was 9th, making me the panther. Thankfully, I didn’t wear a panther suit (too hot in the Texas heat!), my stepmom made me a cute little outfit. I had a headband with ears, a painted nose, and whiskers! The point is, I continued to build this muscle called resilience. 

Patterns of long-term intimate partner violence with five different men atrophied this muscle, causing painful tears. Beginning in college, I tried to mend these cuts with alcohol — feeling the immediate relief it gave me — not aware of the long-term consequences of this deadly drug. During this long, dark, journey, I misunderstood my resilience, thinking bouncing back meant starting a new relationship. What I didn’t realize is that atrophied muscles can be repaired by uncovering what ails and finding the right treatment. In 2013, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, major depressive disorder, and general anxiety order. These conditions are treatable and recoverable. For me, it was a combination of the right therapy and prescribed anxiety and depression medication. By going to therapy — my mental gym — I have repaired and strengthened my resilience muscle, considering it the most important muscle in my being.